Single Life

Since completing my research and heading out into the big, beautiful world again in search of adventure; I am reminded just how single-phobic social life can be. Here's a thought, everyone is born single and, like it or not, we all have to eventually face our deaths alone. 

I'M SINGLE - NOT SAD!

Even on the gay scene, that once hallowed bastion of the free-thinking individual, the issue of my relationship status haunts every conversation like a particularly pongy poltergeist. Don't get me wrong, I like people in relationships; some of my best friends are in relationships (see what I did there?), but I get so very tired of explaining my life choices to people who have convinced themselves that I am 'secretly' unhappy. 

Well, to help all you 'singlephobes' understand the error of your ways,  I have decided to report some real phrases that I frequently hear so that you, dear reader, can understand the ludicrousness of your assumptions. Oh, and in order to highlight the nuances of 'singlephobia', I have replaced the keyword 'single' in each phrase. Sometimes it works, other times it feels a little clunky; just bear with me, this is an experiment. 

"You have a partner? But why, you are so good looking and intelligent..."

Perhaps I should learn to take this sort of thing as a compliment - I don't know. Thanks for noticing that I am not an idiot and also for pointing out that physically, I don't repulse you. Maybe, just maybe, the value system that you hold so dear, might not appeal to me at all. Perhaps, just perhaps, I genuinely don't want to live my life like you, hard to believe isn't it... If I was being cynical here, I might think that questions like this are inferring that beneath the attractive facade, something dark and unappealing festers. I can't help blaming the culture of pop-psychoanalysis for this. I suppose the idea is that people who are happy being single are emotionally defective, lacking something integral to forming meaningful relationships? Is it an elaborate way of saying to me, "you're single, what's wrong with you?" I really don't know; to be honest, when people say these things (and they do), I tend to squirm and feel slightly embarrassed for them. 

"You're in a relationship? Oh wow that's really interesting, I have another friend who is in a relationship too, you should meet, you'd probably have so much in common..."

Maybe we would have lots in common, maybe we wouldn't. I constantly hear things like this and I am now so used to politely smiling, it has become second nature. But just replace the word 'single' with any other word and you might get an idea of just how irritating it actually is. 

"I'm really sorry to hear that you got married. That totally sucks, anyway the important thing is to not let it get you down and ruin your confidence; you know, you're a really beautiful person and one day someone out there will see that..." 

Culturally, we are conditioned throughout our entire lives to link the discourse of 'happiness' with our relationship status. I understand the intention of statements like this, I get that they are coming from a place of kindness; however, before offering me that look of pity, just think about how patronizing these things sound. If I need to be comforted, I will ask. I'm a forty year old man and a realist. I don't live my life like a badly written Richard Curtis character, pining away in meaningless limbo waiting for the approval of 'a significant other'. 

"Oh, you have a boyfriend do you? I met this really hot guy the other day, he has a boyfriend too, you would be really into him. I can introduce you if you like, he is so hot (etc)..." 

My mother and my grandmother, who I love very much, gave up on the idea of match-making for me years ago. It was probably around the time that I started listening to Guns and Roses and The Smiths, wearing a paisley print shirt, and slamming doors, they realized I would never meet that beautiful Jewish princess and 'settle down' into domestic bliss. If the people who know me and love me the most in the whole world have stopped fixing me up - what makes you think you can? I understand that this too comes from a place of kindness; however, you're making assumptions about my sexuality based solely on my relationship status. Also, do you think I am incapable of finding a sexual partner? Really? Okay. To combat this in the past, I shared completely inappropriate and lurid details of my sexual encounters. This backfired and caused me all sorts of other problems, not least the label 'slut' being used to describe me. 

"You've been together for how long? Ten years? Really? You must get ever so lonely..." 

As human beings we are capable of experiencing a myriad of sensations. I am fortunate to have lived many different emotions and I can recognize the complexities. Yes, I have experienced loneliness, but I'm pretty sure many people in relationships have been lonely too. I have also felt anger, joy, fear, elation, frustration, disappointment, rejection, love... I know, it's shocking isn't it, it's almost as if I'm just like every other human being! HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. 

Okay, I understand that people can be flippant in social situations and often they don't mean to be nasty or spiteful. But frequently I find that I am being ever so subtly judged, evaluated, pigeon-holed. Here's a thought, don't judge me on my life choices and I won't be forced to call out the hypocrisies that might exist in your relationship choices.

Life is way too precious to waste.

Love, T x