An open letter to Billy Ray Cyrus...

image courtesy of NJ.com and a genius stylist. 

General "Billy Ray" of Cyrus,

I feel I speak on behalf of many in the queer community, when I say that you are an authentic Lesbian icon. Not only has your hairdo graced the pool halls of many provincial towns; but you have done more to promote country man-drag for butch tomboys, than any other performer in the history of popular music - and that includes Sir K D of Lang.

I remember with joy a night in the early 90's at a working men's club in Birkenhead. I was wearing cowboy boots and wrangler jeans, I was drunk on beers and cheap ecstasy. The DJ played, "Achy breaky heart," and I had an epiphany. Suddenly I danced an ancient, long forgotten, Cornish folk Dance move (The Patented "Pascoe-two step"), and before I knew it, a Psychiatric nurse called Glenda was groping me and shouting at me about palliative care. I have never felt so scared and elated in my life.

To this very day, I can't listen to, "Achy breaky heart," without having a little shuffle to myself as my heart does the, "Pascoe two-step," and I think fondly of Glenda's scary, speed-freak eyes and shit tattoos...

It would appear that your daughter is currently taking the, "tree," out of "Country."

By disrespecting Sinead O'connor, a fellow lesbian icon, Miley has caused a rebellion within the queer community which threatens the very fabric of lesbo-fag relations. Even as we speak, boozy fights are breaking out over pool tables throughout the western world. What we need are some hill billy words of wisdom, and maybe another soft-country-rock stomper to end the wars and bring peace to planet Gay.

This is our most desperate hour,

Help me Billy Ray Kenobi... You're my only hope...

(CrrrrrRRrrrRcccccccH)

Help me Billy Ray Kenobi... You're my only hope....

bring back the gay love! - image from wookiepedia.