DON'T COME OUT. . .STAY IN!

The inimitable Gore Vidal always maintained that 'homosexual' is not a noun, it is an adjective that describes an activity. 

If you are currently a young teenage chap, dewy eyed, and dreaming about the toned physique of a beautiful beau who glistens when he showers. My advice is to turn the shower to cold, drop P.E, go home, have a wank - and don’t tell anybody.

Don’t be ashamed of feeling attracted to him. If you fail to be aroused by beautiful people, then you are effectively denying their reason d'etre. If there is a God, then you are actually pissing all over his/her grand plan. If Darwin is right, then your erection is merely a natural response to a desirable external stimuli. Either way, you have to agree, it's perfectly normal to fancy beautiful people. Just don't mention that you might be gay; you're not "gay," you're "normal." 

Why not wait a few years, join your local sauna, find him, and fuck his brains out in a dark room?

Because, before you know it, you haven’t just got your first stiffy over a sexy body – no - you've actually made a political statement, and everyone will expect this factor to completely dominate your life... Yep, you'll be a part of one of the world’s most privileged and persecuted, most full-of-shit, minority groups(Second only to the Zionists)currently inhabiting planet Earth. To many people, being gay is a full time job. Being a professional homo can also be incredibly profitable, if you follow the rules of course; namely, proliferate the entirely un-quantifiable notion of universal gay oppression. You’ll have action groups to join, rally’s to go on, and religious bigots to berate.

You’ll have your own film festivals; crammed full of angst ridden scenes of young teenage chaps, dewy eyed, dreaming about the toned physique of a beautiful beau - who glistens when he showers. You’ll have your own magazines telling you about action groups and rally’s and religious bigots you should berate. Oh yeah, then there’ll be the lesbians banging on about, “Women's rights?” Or something like that, whatever that is, I think Madonna did a video of it once?

Pretty soon, that furtive fumble in the showers that you’ve been aching for? Well, now it’s a dinner date; a box ticking exercise in suitability. Never mind the fact that he's beautiful. Could you invite him to Christmas dinner with your Grandmother? Will your friends like him? Is he affluent? Can he afford regular holidays to Sitges? Will his family prefer a huge ceremony, or would a more intimate low key affair be more fitting?

Next thing you know, the only things you care about in the world are your “rights,” your own homophobic persecution, buying things you don’t need, going to the gym, soft furnishings, and lady Gaga. In that order, no wait, maybe Lady Gaga first.

Don’t believe me? Well, I was recently working at an orphanage in a shitty part of Bangkok, and I overheard a very cute young American man talking. The boy he was talking to is a HIV positive 14 year old orphan, with no family, no money, but, he’s very happy to be alive. These words are slightly paraphrased, as I cannot remember exactly what he said, but it was pretty much along the line of…

            “Life is hard, I know it sounds stupid, but you’ll feel better one day. I know how you feel. When I was growing up, I was bullied for being the only Jewish boy in my class, then when I came out *sighs* I was made to feel worthless… Just like you.”

He then went on to say...

"...and my Grandparents, you know, they survived the holocaust, so , you know..." *cue pained expression*

Unbelievable. How is it that a western homo feels so entitled with his entrenched personal misery memoir; that he can try and extract sympathy from a 14 year old boy; one who has lived his whole life with HIV, in 3rd world conditions?

I have spent most of my life in the entertainment and music industries; so I suppose you could say that I'm a friend of the gays and the Jews... But at that particular moment in time, I had to suppress the urge to punch him in the face and steal his  dinner money. I'm guessing that the real reason he was bullied at school wasn't because of his ethnic origin, or even his sexuality; it was more likely the fact that he was being a total self obsessed prick.

I never thought I'd say this, but maybe Tom Cruise was right after all? Don't come out, stay in.

From now on, I will not refer to myself as a gay man. It’s too embarrassing; I just can’t do it anymore.

So, I'm an “uber-camp-celibate-straight-man-with-good-dress-sense,” who likes show-business, and hanging out in gay bars and saunas. Oh, and occasionally I like getting fucked by beautiful beaus who glisten when they shower - but that doesn't make me a gay! Honest!