HOLD THE FRONT PAGE! THERE ARE GAY ACTORS IN THAILAND!

NO!


This cannot be true! I don't believe a word of it!


I was out for "drinks," with a friend of mine (I say "drinks," but I think we all know I was at Babylon), and he told me - in very serious hushed tones - that a lot of the T.V. and film actors in Thailand are gay, but they don't come out, for fear of alienating their fans. 


What really surprises me is people seem to be fooled by this charade. Okay, so, I admit it, in the west there are a surprising amount of people who haven't cottoned on to Tom Cruise, or Kevin Spacey yet. 


I'm not one to cast aspersions, because, you know, I've met camp straight guys and butch gays - but these Thai actors... Really?


I'm sure there are aliens out there who have no concept of the intricacies of human sexuality. However, I am sure when they arrive on this planet the first thing they will say is: 


"What the fuck was all that Michael Jackson shit about?" 


Then they will say:


"Can you take me too that amazingly weird place, where all those weird plastic surgery bummers try to pretend that they are, in some way, attracted to the weird plastic surgery girls? It looks a total blast! By the way, what is bum sex? Do we have bums?" 


I cannot believe there is anyone who does not realise these guys are gay. It's like the time I broke the terrible news to my aunt that the lycra wearing singer of her favourite band "Queen," was actually a raving homo. Her bitter line - "You think everyone's gay just because you are!" - haunts me to this day.


So here's a spoiler for all you fans out there, you are not witnessing an academy award winning moment. This is not Tom Hanks in "Philidelphia," or Jody Foster in "Taxi," or even Tom Cruise in "Top Gun." These guys are 100% bonafide hoop-lickers, and the world is a better place for it.