DIRTY PAEDO's AVOID embarrassing fashion faux-pas - Dress like you mean business!

So you've reached that age when nobody really likes you any-more and you think to yourself "Fuck-it,"

I'm going to head off to Pattaya in Thailand and buy myself a child sex toy... 

You don't want to turn up looking like an amateur: That's a real no-no, So being the charitable sort that I am, I've compiled the 'do's' and 'don'ts' style-wise of Asia's number one sleazy sex destination. To make it easier I've identified 2 X KEY looks -

1 -Ageing American Paedo (Think Michael Moore meets Hue Heffner)

and

2 - Ageing European Paedo (Think Karl Lagerfeld meets Peter Stringfellow)

By no means do you have to stick to these rules; why not mix it up to confuse the Burmese sex slaves you buy? We all know every kid loves a game and this game is really fun!

Imagine the surprised look on their innocent wee faces when they realise that even though you're dressed like an American sex-pest, you are in-fact from Doncaster. 

The key to the looks here is to get your basics right, once you have the look, you can dress it up in the evening by adding a beautiful 11 year old white Russian slave; or keep it casual during the day with a simple 10 year old from Burma.

Points to remember:


1 - Keep your swimming trunks as tight as is humanly possible thereby creating that gut overhang that under-age sex slaves clearly find so attractive.


2 - If you're lucky enough to still have hair, why not dye it a fake chestnut brown? It's the colour guarenteed to really set off the bitter tears of the child whose life you are ruining.

3 - Why not wear a tacky bar t-shirt? Something that actually says, "I'm dirty old paedo."  It's a look.

Remember,  you don't want to meet your moody Russian human trafficking gangster friends wearing trunks and flip-flops; that screams "FUCKING AMATEUR!" Always keep a tacky Hawaiian shirt handy - for those, "I'm exploiting another human being," nights that make Pattaya THE place to party...