Tryg and Susies guide to the most Twisted Porn in Amsterdam!!!

Well it has to happen... Sooner or later you realise that your personal pile of grot is not the scummiest in the world; some people watch snuff-movies for fuck sake!
So, confident in the fact that we were not complete sadistic fucks. Susie and I took it upon ourselves to discover the most twisted porn we could find in Amsterdam - which was not as easy at it sounds.

After all, it was 'Bestiality week' in the red light district!

Seriously.

It was 2-4-1 on all porn containing animals! - If only I'd known before we got there! That would have been everyone's Christmas presents sorted in one foul swoop!

[What we were particularly impressed with were the window displays... EAT YOUR HEART OUT SELFRIDGE's VISUAL MERCHANDISER!! Seriously all the sex shops made bestiality seem positively delightful... Cuddly toys... fairy-lights, Well the British are a nation of animal Lovers!!!]

Now - Call me an old fashioned pervert! - but I just like to see consenting adults oiled up and going away at it hammer-and-tong to a soundtrack of dirty-funk, that's porn in my book.

Imagine my surprise when my friend Rhalou introduced me to "Scally boy orgy" by Tryga... (no relation!) What a murky world that is! In a nutshell, it's junky boys on an estate in the north being given money to wank each other off whilst playing the play-station... All in shell-suits in a grim council flat and all looking off their faces...oh and Yep... I'm pretty sure none of them were gay...

Dark.

So, it was with some trepidation that we approached number 3 in our charts...

NUMBER 3: "TRANS-SEXUAL PROSTITUTES 17"

Now this doesn't come across as dark as "Scally boy orgy" - yes they are all fucked and forced to perform under slight duress - but they are prostitutes, so... you know, work is work!!

What is SO creepy about this film is the man fucking the tranny's.

Where did they find him... Actually I really don't need to know.

HE IS AWFUL!!!! - A slimy, horrible crystal-meth head clearly on Viagra bumming a load of tranny's with the maddest of mad stares - believe me, that gurning grin will haunt me for ever! The thought of that bearing down on you *shudder* Nobody needs that.


NUMBER 2: "CRACK-WHORE 3"


Well it's good to know that the "Crack whore" franchise is still going strong in the porn world and why not! It does exactly what it says on the tin - it features a genuine crack-whore getting fucked! and with dialogue like this...

AGRESSIVE RAPEY-BASTARD-[Having practically initiated a total violent rape scenario and fucked her whilst punching her in the face!]


- "So what are you gonna do with all this fuckin money....you bitch!!!"

CRACK-WHORE-[After giving him a total withering look of disgust]

- "I'm gonna buy more crack... Because I'm a fucking crack-whore you idiot!"



... Roman Polanski and Tarrantino eat your hearts out! THIS is the real shit! Susie and I had to laugh (not about the whole rape thing, but really, that Man must feel like a total failure, called an idiot by a crack whore you've just beaten up! How fucking low down the food chain are you!)

"Crack Whore 3" is dangerously close to a rape-scene and dark as fuck! It was just horrific on many levels, I understand that many people actually like the violence during sex thing - There have been times I've paddled in that pool myself! But really, this is a DVD that will be found in the bedsit of a serial killer.


NUMBER 1 : " JUNKY CLOWN PORN!"

I'm just going to have to type that again to make sure the full horror sinks in...

"JUNKY CLOWN PORN!"


For those of you in any doubt - This is Junkies, dressed as clowns, Fucking each other under duress for more bags of Skag!

Now we're all adults here and we can all be a little partial to some dressing up... I myself have "accidentally" dressed up a chap as a jockey while I was wearing my vintage sailor suit - It could happen to anyone!

BUT CLOWNS!

REALLY???

I lasted around about 5 minutes before having to leave the room and phone my Mother in Cornwall - just to make sure that the world was not really that bad - This film is that fucked I needed a hug from my MUM![and that happens very rarely I can tell you!!]

At what point in any conscious discussion about sexual fantasies did some film-maker decide in all of his wisdom that "JUNKY CLOWN PORN" was ever going to be anything other than totally horrific!

"Hello Mum... I think I did a bad thing... The worlds still okay isn't it?.. Did you know there are some horrible people!"

The more astute among you may well point out that in buying these DVD's to review, Susie and I are actually funding and perpetuating this vaudevillian Victorian freak show of horror... But then, I will point out that these junkies are going to do a whole lot worse shit to get their skag... and furthermore...if you are so 'holier than thou' I hope you feel a pang of guilt every time you buy clothes fashioned by the tortured fingers of Asian children!

All I can say Is steer clear of Junky clown porn... NOBODY needs to see that. EVER!